The in-between...

My world has been in fast forward mode while also being in slow motion simultaneously. That's what the waiting does to you.

Let's back up. Since my initial breast cancer diagnosis in 2021, my oncologist has been monitoring suspicious spots on my right lung and liver through quarterly scans. Of course this has always been concerning to me, but over the last few months, I finally realized the gravity of the situation when my oncologist insisted on even more scans to further rule out new, suspicious areas of concern. Luckily, the results showed that the spots were likely benign; however, we would still need to monitor and watch these areas, with more scans scheduled in a few months. Let me be clear, I have not been diagnosed with cancer again, and I have not heard the dreaded word "metastatic" from any of my doctors.

So, the waiting continues without definite answers...

I've also been carefully contemplating what to say when people ask me about my health. I get what they are asking and what they mean- "Do you still have cancer?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not offended. I'm touched that my friends/family care and would like to know. Please don't stop asking, as I, along with my fellow cancer survivors appreciate the concern.

I just don't have an easy, or fast response.

People often ask me if I am "in remission", as they believe this is some transcendental term that will allow them (and me, I guess?) to somehow breathe a sigh of relief and confirm that the battle is over. But the truth is, I HATE the word remission. First of all, I've yet to hear an oncologist or medical professional use this term. Let's be honest, most of us first learned this term from the movies... Or maybe it is an antiquated medical term we heard somewhere along the way decades ago? Either way, all I know is that the word implies that: I am cancer free now; however, I am waiting for the cancer to come back. I refuse to use this term.

In fact, here is the medical definition:

From the 15th century, the word 'remission' was used in medicine to describe the abatement or temporary subsidence of symptoms of a disease, rather than a complete cure.

The shortest response that I have for my cancer update is that I have no evidence of disease, but I am still in active treatment for the next 5 (or more) years.

I am in the "in-between."

Although I'm not in what you might consider traditional cancer treatment (aka chemo or radiation), I am on cancer preventative drugs that put me into severe medical menopause and cause harsh side effects. Some of my favorites include: debilitating joint pain, extreme hot flashes, weight gain, and some pretty gnarly mood swings. These are just my favorites, and I won't bore you with the exhaustive list. No one likes a complainer (Insert sarcasm and shoulder shrug).

The goal of my current treatment: deplete my body of the hormones that were fueling breast cancer.

So, that's my update. Please don't be intimidated to ask me, or your loved ones, how they are coping- regardless of how hard it might be to hear the response. I think it is important that we try to remain authentic and honest in this world that is full of distractions and real connection.

And on my hard days, I try to remember this:

I will leave you with two gems that contain multitudes of beauty and artistic relief.

The relief in knowing that I am not alone in my search for meaning and joy, and peace in my own mortality, soothes my soul.

Namaste,

Terra

❤️

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• If you haven't yet watched the movie The Life of Chuck, I would highly recommend. Without giving too much away, I will simply say that the movie line: "the waiting is the hardest part" resonated deeply with my weary soul. We are all just waiting. Not just me, not just other people with life threatening illnesses. We all will reach a day when we take our final breath.

• The book Between Two Kingdoms has, and continues to be, one of my favorite books. Once you finish it and love it (I know you will love it!!!!), I highly recommend the Netflix doc that features the author Suleika Jaouad, American Symphony.