Let's get real

I write this latest blog post with the most anxious, raw vulnerability to date. When I started this blog several months ago, I knew that in order for anyone to want to take their valuable time to read it, I would have to be incredibly honest and vulnerable.

If I were true to myself, I would say that I started with "soft ball" blog posts. I started with topics that are easier for me to be open and honest about- mostly, my breast cancer diagnosis. I have known in my heart that my favorite writers are those that bare their soul, no matter how scary it may seem. I'm attracted to people who make me think "I can't believe they just shared that! That's admirably brave!" There is a reason why I listen/read incessantly: Glennon Doyle, Elizabeth Gilbert, Mel Robbins, Brene Brown, and now, Amy Schumer.

Last night, while watching an episode of the The Checkup with Dr. David Agus, I was floored by Amy Schumer's honesty about her pregnancy difficulties, but more interestingly, the revealing of her mental disorder called, trichotillomania.

Trichotillomania (trik-o-til-o-MAY-nee-uh), also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

If you haven't already guessed, I suffer from trichotillomania. Up until today, I've told a grand total of 4 humans about my shameful secret. For years, I have kept this a secret, and I have been terrified of anyone finding out.

In an article by Rachel Simon, she describes my feelings better than I ever could:

"Like the comedian Amy Schumer, I have trichotillomania. Since high school, I’ve pulled out my eyebrow hairs and, occasionally, my head hair and eyelashes. I’m lucky enough to not have a severe case; even after a day of heavy picking, I can typically cover up the bald patches in my brows with makeup and blame any thinner areas on overplucking. Yet I’m all too familiar with the shame that Schumer and so many others with the little-known but fairly common disorder describe.

Pulling out my own hair feels gross and embarrassing, and although I know, rationally, that it’s a compulsion and thus not voluntary, it’s hard not to feel guilty for causing such damage to my body. The fact that trichotillomania is so rarely talked about in the media compounds those emotions; the less information and support available for a condition, the more isolated and abnormal those who experience it feel. While the cause is unknown, research has indicated that both genetic and environmental factors may be involved, and many people with trichotillomania also have similarly compulsive conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder or skin-picking disorder.

In reality, trichotillomania is far more common than it might seem. Massachusetts General Hospital’s Center for OCD and Related Disorders estimates that 1 to 3 percent of the U.S. population is affected by the condition. Women are far more likely than men to be diagnosed, and the disorder usually arises in early adolescence."

Only in the last few years, have I known there was a name for my compulsion. Only in the last few years, have I known I wasn't alone. I've been working with a therapist, and I'm trying to focus on the root cause (no pun intended) of a disorder that started in my adolescent years. Like Amy Schumer, I am still dealing with the disorder, but I feel like becoming more open about it may help my healing.

So now that my dirty secret is out of the bag, I hope that others can feel a little more "normal" and a whole lot less shameful about whatever secrets you may be keeping. The older I get, the more I realize that the things that I think only afflict me, are so much more common than I realize.

We all have secrets. We all have shame. Let's get real and wear our vulnerability like a badge of honor and stop hiding who we really are for fear of judgement.

-Angel’s Landing - Zion National Park