Just Live

If you have been following my posts, you know that I'm in that weird cancer limbo land... the purgatory of being diagnosed with cancer but waiting on the next steps of treatment. It is an excruciating place to be. A quiet place. Yet, the quiet and loneliness is deafening and palpable at times.

It is a kind of "nesting". Not the feel-good kind of nesting you might experience before a baby arrives, as you wait on a new beginning. It is a nesting as you wait for a death, of sorts. A death of part of the ego. An ending to your previous life as you knew it. A mourning period. In my case, saying goodbye to my (natural) breasts. An examination of what this part of my body means to me... A harsh amputation of my femineity and womanhood.

It's a life interlude, as I anxiously await my January 15th surgery date.

I am nervous. I am overwhelmed. I am calm. I am contemplative.

I find a reprieve in documentaries, Netflix, trashy reality shows, and my current fixation on a fantasy book series that doesn't remind me of our human frailties and dis-ease. I'm transported to a "fairy land" when I open my book.

I digress...

With that said, a recent Netflix documentary has me questioning my relationship with my own mortality:

Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever is a documentary about a, wealthy entrepreneur Bryan Johnson puts his body and fortune on the line to defy aging and extend his life beyond all known limits.

For Bryan Johnson, the quest to live longer lies in a routine of pills, shots, blood draws, and experimental therapy regimes he says are rewinding his biological clock. And in Netflix’s new documentary Don’t Die: The Man Who Wants To Live Forever, released Jan. 1, filmmakers bring viewers behind the scenes to discover how much work and cash trying to live forever actually takes. It’s a fascinating attempt to peel back the psyche of a man who is obsessed with aging, and one who ends up arguing that even with his quirks, Johnson might be building something meaningful to people. But he’s also very, very strange.

-Jones, CT. Who Is the Aging-Obsessed Tech Millionaire Behind Netflix’s ‘Don’t Die’? Rolling Stone, January 3,2025

As I watched Bryan Johnson carefully count and organize his innumerable supplements, obsessively explore alternative treatments, and consult with numerous doctors and specialists, I wondered if my own life was all that different from his. Of course, I am not a tech millionaire (big, disappointing sigh), but one common trait stands out. Bryan is trying to extend his life. His mission's motto: "Don't Die." In his case, he is trying to be the oldest person that ever lived. In my case, I would happily settle for a "normal" lifespan. When I meditate or dream about the future, I will contently settle for an active, relatively healthy, lifestyle in my 80s. I'm sure most people would agree.

More importantly, my takeaway from this documentary was that Bryan Johnson does not seem to have healthy relationship with his own mortality. Then again, who really does? It reminded me of my own dark thoughts about death and dying. It has spurred something inside of me.... A desire that I've felt coming over the last three years of dealing with cancer. What you may not know is that when a cancer diagnosis is delivered to you personally, simultaneously you are also handed a healthy dose of fear, mammoth medical bills, paralyzing grief, and the inevitable reckoning with your own mortality. This reckoning with mortality could potentially be seen as a gift. It cannot be manufactured or imitated. It must come from an earth-shattering event. It is a portal that opens only when you have been broken open by sorrow. The gateway is temporary, and you must you this opportunity wisely. I'm grateful for this portal that comes with an undeniable impulse to explore my own understanding of death (and also, this one precious life).

Something about the words "don't die" do not sit right with me.

For now, I will "just live" and see where that takes me...