I am not okay...

"I am not okay

I'm barely getting by

I'm losing track of days

And losing sleep at night

I am not okay

I'm hanging on the rails

So if I say I'm fine

Just know I learned to hide it well

I know, I can't be the only one

Who's holding on for dear life

But God knows, I know

When it's all said and done

I'm not okay

But it's all gonna be alright

It's not okay

But we're all gonna be alright

I woke up today

I almost stayed in bed

Had the devil on my back

And voices in my head

Some days, it ain't all bad

Some days, it all gets worse..."

Songwriters: Ashley Glenn Gorley / Casey Brown / Taylor Delmar Phillips / Jason Bradley De Ford

Listen to the song here: Jelly Roll - I Am Not Okay (Official Lyric Video)

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I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me with genuine concern. If I didn't fully respond or answer your questions, my apologies. Sometimes I simply didn't know the answers...

However, I do have a general sense of my path forward after meeting with my oncologist via telehealth yesterday. As I sat on my comfy bed surrounded by pillows, Bill, and my fur babies, I was prepared with a million questions written on my notepad. Scattered research articles covered the velvet comforter. Within the first few minutes of our meeting, I realized that many of my questions were about to become irrelevant.

The first blow to be delivered: mastectomy. All of my doctors meet weekly to discuss their patients. Apparently, the "tumor board meeting" decided unanimously this week that my best course of action would be to complete a mastectomy (vs. my hope for a second lumpectomy with targeted radiation). It took me several minutes to recover from the shock, and to regroup and ask appropriate questions.

The second punch to the gut was finding out that my final pathology is leading my oncologist to recommend chemotherapy. Fuck.

Finally, we discussed the unclear results that came from my bone scan and CT scans. My chest scan showed a 5 mm nodule on my right lung. It's too small to biopsy, so we will have to wait and watch and schedule another CT scan in a few months. Fuck, again.

Nothing prepares you for these sucker punches, particularly the knockout blow of considering the word "metastatic." Triple fuck.

Excuse the language.

There are no appropriate words.

I shut my laptop after the devastating news. Bill laid on my chest on our big soft bed, and I wept.

I am not okay.

---

"But we're all gonna be alright..."

She's of Love

“Whatever happens, stay alive.

Don't die before you're dead.

Don't lose yourself, don't lose hope, don't lose direction. Stay alive, with yourself, with every cell of your body, with every fiber of your skin.

Stay alive, learn, study, think, read, build, invent, create, speak, write, dream, design.

Stay alive, stay alive inside you, stay alive also outside, fill yourself with colors of the world, fill yourself with peace, fill yourself with hope.

Stay alive with joy.

There is only one thing you should not waste in life,

and that's life itself... “🦋🌻💗

Sona Rajput