DeJa'Vu

I have been here before...

Having to fight for every test, every precautionary measure, every exam to be covered by insurance. This is every cancer survivors' story.

This time, it is for a precautionary breast MRI. Mammograms are not sensitive enough to find early-stage cancers in dense breasts. Mammograms are arguably not enough for detection and prevention in women with a history of breast cancer.

I have been here before...

I fought for this MRI test to be authorized by my doctor. I paid hundreds of dollars for this test. Am I crazy? Am I a hypochondriac? Why am I exposing myself to extra radiation?

I have been here before...

Inside the cold white dome that surrounds me and blares a loud cacophony of unharmonious sounds directly into my ear drums. The magnetic resonance imaging scanner vibrates and pulses all around me as I try desperately not to move (or scream from the suspense and claustrophobia).

I have been here before...

Unfavorable MRI test results are sent to my health portal after normal business hours. The only choice- open the MRI results and hope to decipher the medical jargon on my own.

I have been here before...

Bad news. Suspicious enhancing mass (.7 cm) on right breast. That's right, the same breast that had cancer previously. My whole world is turned upside-down within a matter of minutes. Time stands still.

I have been here before...

Calling and badgering my doctor's office to approve and order the next right tests.

The next day, ultrasound. I've been in this exact same room. The exact same ultrasound equipment that helped detect my breast cancer three years ago. The same radiologist, with his kind and gentle demeaner, tells me we need an MR guided biopsy. Time to bother my doctor's office AGAIN to make sure the pre-authorization is not held up by red tape.

I have been here before...

Waiting. What is next? How long will pre-authorization take? How long will it take to schedule the biopsy? How long will I wait for the results?

I have been here before...

No answers. Only questions and worry.

Deja vu Painting by Dorina Costras