Body love?

I very intentionally entitled this post "Body love?". The question mark infers that this is not a statement. This is not a concept, or topic, that I am at all comfortable with. My guess is that most, if not all, women would conclude that they are a work in progress when it comes to "body love" and self-compassion. Likely, most men would also agree.

I'm sure this won't sound unfamiliar to you: I have dealt with body image issues, body dysmorphia, and unhealthy habits related to my body for my entire life (at least from what I can remember). In Kristin Neff's Ted talk entitled: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion, Kristin cites research that girl's begin to lose self-esteem around 3rd grade. Yep, that sounds about right. I know I'm not alone.

I've been on a journey of "seeking" and self-help since my 20s. I know that my body image is far from healthy, and I've read countless books on eating disorders and body dysmorphia. In college, I felt like if I could research these topics enough, maybe I would be immune to the disease. Maybe I could push it so far away that I wouldn't dangle dangerously on the cliff of sinking into anorexia or bulimia. It is a daily struggle and a daily mantra that includes messages to myself of how I should work out that day, how I want to lose those extra pounds, what I should eat in order to lose said pounds, and this mantra is just put on repeat until it is time for bed. That nagging voice won't go away. It is a feeling of never being "enough" and being in constant search of the "thing" that will help me have the body I've always wanted. It is a never ending search.

In fact, I can remember being in middle school and desiring those six pack abs I saw in the magazines. At our weight training for my swim team, I would obsess over the ab training exercises- praying that if I just tried hard enough, I would some day see my abs. Well, that never happened, and now, 30+ years later, some of these old voices STILL play in my head and I've NEVER seen my abs.

But now the mantra, and the body image issue is magnified and complicated by my post cancer body. In February 2021, just four days before my 40th birthday, I was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer. In March 2021, I had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor, followed by numerous months of poisonous chemo infusions and dangerous radiation sessions. What cancer left me with is a somewhat deformed/smaller breast on my right side, a nice scar under my right armpit where lymph nodes were removed- this includes a right arm that struggles with circulation and fluid drainage, which also equals hand/arm pain, an attractive port scar on the left side of my chest/neck that is easily noticeably with most Florida attire, and a new trauma from all the BS I went through. Despite it all, I fought hard during treatment to keep a positive attitude on MOST (definitely not all) days. I shared my story and my feelings on social media with my friends and family. I felt compelled to share, and I'm not exactly sure why...

But here I am, about 9 months post treatment and my body shame hit me like a ton of bricks today. It slowly crept up on me over the weekend and then WHAM- it hit me with new ruminating thoughts: "my right breast will always be a bit disfigured; my right arm will never function the same; I'll never be the same athlete I was before; I have scars on my body that will be with me for the rest of my life; my hormones will be suppressed for the next ten years +. Oh, and on top of all of this, those extra pounds you put on over the summer during vacation, I think you really need to shamefully focus on how you are going to lose those pounds- ASAP."

It all hit me like a wave. I wasn't expecting it. But that is how grief is, right? You think you are doing okay, and then it hits you like that real life ocean wave hit you as a small child It came up behind you without you seeing it and tossed you upside down while filling your nose with salt water, and your bathing suit with sand, and all the while, you are wondering which way is up?

I know this wave will pass, as it always does. Grief ebbs and flows, as do my feelings about my body... But this time, I'm going to work hard on silencing that inner negative critic for good!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

You’re playing small Does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, As children do. We were born to make manifest The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.

By Marianne Williamson

A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles